Monday, December 19, 2011

August 28 2011 * Baby Mine

I've gone much of today avoiding. I know soon I will rejoice in the reality but right now I can’t help but feel scared. I feel like... I just got into the comfort of this skin. I've worn the leather out. I bent and pulled at the right edges and I finally got it to fit.

I know me. I like me. I’m used to who I am. I'm the mother of a wonderful 15 year old, Fiancé to a fantastically soothing man, I'm strong, independent, a GREAT sister, crazy woman... rough around the edges but that will never change. 38 years into it and I can say I am just now easing into ME.

So I am not surprised of how scared I am. I mean this time around I’m older, I know so much more. I am aware of ALL THE THINGS that can actually go wrong. I know what types of mistakes I am capable of making; I am not expecting myself to be perfect... I mean perfect? really does anyone still expect that of themselves?

I’m just scared that maybe I won’t be enough. These arms won’t make this baby feel loved enough. I am a mother of a 15 year old & I know that I am a great mother to her, but let’s recall there was a time she was alone with her father. A time I HATE ever remembering. If I’m going to be honest with myself, that time away from her changed me. Hollowed a part of me out and filled me with ... a feeling of always expecting things to go wrong. I am a little numb in some areas, protected by this shield... I’m very worried that I’m going to be unable to remove certain parts of that shield, that I’m not going to be able to love like I should ... OR mother like I should.

I was a totally different person when I had Summer. Life was just beginning; I was just learning what it was like. At 23 I believed everything was possible and no matter what I was never going to fail my child. I had no clue what messed up choices I was going to be making, what road my marriage with her father was going to take... I was hopeful. When I was in love with her father, I thought “love will carry us through anything". IT WAS AMAZING. That naive feeling of anything is possible; nothing can bring us down because in the end we are a family. At 23 years old I had a crapy past and had already been through some family drama, But still I thought if you believe you can achieve.

Now, I feel like I’m more of an "every man for himself" type of woman. I wear my jilted past on my sleeve and I don’t really love the way I used to. It’s different when you’ve loved and married and had a child before really even growing up. Reality has a way of sitting your ass down and saying... “Did you like that ride? Yeah... well that’s sweet but now it’s time to change those panties and wake the heck up".

So when I saw that POSITIVE test result at 9:00am this morning. The 23 year old in me said WOOHOOOOO! The 38 year old asked: are you really going to bring a child into this messed up world, with that messed up narcissistic attitude of yours? So I flung the stick in the garbage... proceeded to clean my house, do laundry and lay by the pool. BY EPT test #2, I was ready to start letting a little dose of reality in.

I’m starting to understand what’s going on in this head. I’m scared shitless. BUT.... I went out bought a children’s book “Happy Hippo Angry Duck (I would be the duck), a bar of Godiva chocolate and a Pink stuffed baby Hippo... placed it in a bag and am waiting for Eddie to come home. When he does I will hand over this bag o future.

I envy him the not knowing. He has no idea. He still thinks his life is just as it was last week. His biggest worry is probably that he did not run this weekend and the ING Marathon is creeping up on him ... I almost don’t want to change that for him.

BUT I think the experience will be more 23 year old for him and that excites me. I know that I will get a grip and I will learn to understand that though I am not the young 23 year old who approached mother hood with awe and hope. I am stronger than I ever thought possible and I have a strong man. I have my family who knows my every single mistake and can still say I am a great mom. I know in my heart the past is the past. I know that there is less than a handful of ex participants that will be glad to point out my mistakes as a 1st time mom. I also know that if they knew me now... I mean really knew me deep down inside ... they would know that THIS 38 year old... sitting here with this stomach full of butterflies, riding her last cup of wine, waiting to surprise her fiancé. This girl will do everything in her power to push away her doubts, Crucify her demons and bust her ass every single day to make sure that this child knows I love her/ him. And if anyone ever tries to get in the way... this 38 year old has learned a couple new tricks ... and they aint lie down and roll over…..

So bring on Motherhood at 38…. I'M READY!!!

With these people in my life fear may rear its ugly head but never stays for long. I look forward to sharing Parenthood with my Hippo, the love of a mother with Summer and her baby brother and most of all I look forward to starting the new year with LOVE in my heart and hope + happiness in my future.


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