Sunday, June 12, 2011

Most of us are lucky to have a great love story. A story that tells of how you FINALLY met the "one".

I married my high school "sweet heart" straight out of school. We created an amazing daughter and after 11 years I watched it all fall apart. This next story begins with a brokenhearted girl living with regret, losing herself in meaningless sex, hangovers and heart numbing medication... Turn the years over and she finds herself back home, closer to her daughter, her wings a little cracked, a little uneven but stronger... Eventually I take flight.

One day my world stops spinning out of control, the ground bellow me steady, my vision clears and I land with both feet on the ground. My daughter is my constant; my family is my support... (Insert violins, purple hearts and chocolates) Another page turns and I meet someone. He patiently waits for my heart to thaw and a new love story begins... "The story of the Hippo" ~ Love is once again a reality not just a word in a red and white card you read once a year.
Pages flip the years turn one by one...

I catch a glimpse of "Happily ever after" as my fingers release a flurry of words on paper. One by one they tell of kisses and bright futures, small arguments and those not so small. Finally the page that wraps it all up, this sweet love story the final act.

And now what? The story of the beginning, of conquering and being conquered is over. We lay in bed side by side... "Mr. and Mrs. Charming”.... The excitement of the unknown, the passion of the fight come and gone... I'm in it... I'm in my wish, my happy ending. At some point the glow of new has dissipated and the nostalgia sets in....

I reach for the pages that brought us here... dust off the cover and reminisce... such a great story. Every day I fall in love with it all over again. It does not take much to see how or why I fell in love with him, my Hippo Prince ... And though there is no question that I am in love, that I am happy... I can't help but miss the feel of newness... the glow of the “what if” and the wonder. The excitement I felt in that 1st chapter, the second and third. The complete faith I had on the first night.

Does anyone else feel it? The white pages at the end of the book... Words suspended in air waiting to fall in just the right parts to create.... what? There is no creating yet just the possibility of creation.
Just Me looking for the perfect phrase's the passionate terms and placement. What do I do with ever after? What does that even mean? Ever after what?

I am in love with the L.O.V.E part of it. I am in awe of the durability, of the unconditional parts of it, the friendship the dependability of it. Like everyone else I am captivated by the story but I want so much more to it... I want the saga... The to be continued…

Is it so bad of me to want more step mothers tortured, more evil ex's slaughtered, dragons slayed, Rooms of walls with endless "mirror mirrors" on them, reminding me that (to him) I AM THE FAIREST of them all. Why must the story fizzle out once I find my prince? My lips still want to feel that one kiss that opens my eyes, makes my knees week and melts me into a puddle of passion. "G" ratings are great for beginners but I need my ever after to be riddled with Rs (for sexual content and adventure) and the occasional "XXX" (passion)... So this is what I wonder about on Sunday afternoons as my coffee high gives its last kick...

When a story is told ... read and re read ... Best pages Bunny-eared for quick reference. Is it possible to breathe passion into the old pages? How do you recreate the over read love scenes, the feeling of newness? Not just for me but for Prince Charming himself. Is it just the greedy 17 year old in me... or is there something to this dusty fairytale feeling?

Friday, June 10, 2011

June 10 2011 ... one month and 19 days

1 month and 19 days to go to 38 ... and I feel LOST,

Can’t get out from under this cloud over my head .. Pouring static sadness and void over me... I stopped running... Arms around knees... head rests...I make it a point to inhale... and.... exhale... I've decided the best way to get through the haze is to wait it out... let the clouds live out their existence...And hope for a silver lining on the other side ...Haven't I been here before? I mean how many "Eat Pray Love" moments am I going to need exactly?

I'm finding it hard to give a shit... over whelmed with trying to keep this smile on my face and be positive for everyone else... my ears are over flowing with woes... my hands can’t get a grip.. There are no words left to speak, to console...to reassure... What I know... What I've learned so far in this journey to the now...all of a sudden seams NOT to be enough.... I know this is the chalky line that divides the before & the after.... I've come across one such line before... so my mind knows that this is just the jumping off point... it knows that the confusion will dissipate... the walls will become familiar... I'm great-full that I know that this is just the fold in the map... that it will pass and I will feel safe and reassured in my skin again...

its just that every new "fold" gets deeper .. And it always seems like I'm JUST now learning to swim