Monday, November 06, 2006

October 13,2006 Ode to a ~ HiPpO~




Friday, October 13, 2006

Ode to a ~ HiPpO~
Just like Love

If someone were to ask me when it was I fell in love with you...I'd answer
Love?
This isn't Love...not any love I've ever felt.

I can't remember ever feeling excited just to get home ..
to lay by your side.
I can't remember ever feeling my heart skip a beat...the way it does
when you walk through the door.

Love never felt so deep, so unconditional so permanent.

Love, the Love I've known, came with conditions ...confusion and broken promises.

This can't be love... It feels a lot like what love should have been ...
but I know Love ...

This is something worth fighting for...something that I can't explain or even feel I have too.

So no.. im not "in love" ...
I'm in your arms, in your kiss.. In your touch and in your heart...

Your in my thoughts ..in my present and future... In my dreams.
You're that small dimple on the corner of my lips that forms when I smile,
when I'm happy ..
When im with you.

You're the reason I try to be a better person... you're the key to my caged heart... my hippo, my friend, my happy dance... my perfect margarita... my random topic ... my full moon ... The better side of me.

Love? No I would never call this love... It's just a dream....a wish I made years ago..

You've accomplished something many never thought possible... You made me smile again ,, you got me to open up again... to have hope and expectations... you got me TO COOK !!!!

Thank you for finding me, for waiting and for showing me something ... that although feels a lot like LOVE.. Can never be duplicated....






8:23 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
sonnia
How beautiful!!! I hope he realizes just how deep this is for you!
Posted by sonnia on Monday, October 23, 2006 at 2:41 PM [Remove] [Reply to this]

Tara
Wow! I am so happy for you... I just can't believe it...
Posted by Tara on Wednesday, November 01, 2006 at 9:37 AM

August 09,2006 Therapy Session

Therapy Session
Current mood: It's more of a noise than a word
I don’t know how much more I can take... I like to think I’m strong and that past experiences have taught me to handle things the way that I should... But I really really feel like I just can’t anymore... I can feel it in my bones, in my head... My body aches I feel tired and I just can’t take anymore of this... I’ve been waiting 4 years to have my daughter closer to me. I’ve been through so much already... And I’m here and I’m appreciating every second I can with her
But I can’t take it!!! He’s not being fare and I ask nicely. I ask the hard way, I try everything I can and he just won’t let me be her mom... He won’t let me spend the time that she deserves. Somewhere along the way I lost control......
I f I could id break down right now and just cry... But I’m scared once the tears fall my body will cave into a ball and I won’t be able to stand tall again.
How much can a person take before dying completely inside? How many bruises can she hide before there is nothing left to show the world? How positive can I be when so much negativity covers even my best days?
I’m doing what I’ve grown accustomed to doing ... letting the words flow onto this page, making room too breath, to step back and once again pray for karma... pray for strength and be the best mother and person I can be. I know things will change, after all angels come into my life everyday... I found love again. I can see my daughter again. True, I’m fighting for more time, but I’m thankful for the chance to watch her sleep again. Wow I’m thankful for a lot this year... and I know the best is yet to come....

Forgive sounds good ...forget I’m not sure I could... They say time heals everything... but I’m still waiting... I’m through with doubt... There's nothing left for me to figure out. I’ve paid a price and I’ll keep paying ... I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down, I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round. It’s too late to make it right probably wouldn’t if I could...cause I’m mad as hell can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should.
Dixie Chicks
$100.00 an Hour my ASS!!!!
Blogging...Still the BEST therapy

August 08, 2006~ Were movin on up...to the southwest side... To a DELUXE Duplex in the skyyyy

Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Were movin on up...to the southwest side... To a DELUXE Duplex in the skyyyy
So most of you know by now I was unnoticeable in the Miami Vice movie ... and to tell you the truth I pretty much expected it..Just the way it goes when you’re an extra... BUT what I didn’t expect was for the Movie to be so....disappointing. I wanted it to be so much more than it was and while watching the actors at work and Michael Mann direct I thought WOW this movie is going to have people on the edge of their seats. What it turned out to be, to me anyway, was a bunch of scenes thrown together...editing was NOT what I’m used to seeing with Michael Mann films. The audio came and went ..It was like a student film to me. I think he wanted the audience to feel like they were in the film? I just felt confused and at times a little dizzy. I was very disappointed Shit I could have cried if I let myself. We walked out of the theater at 1:20am, and as we walked back to our car it started to rain.. We didn’t bother running....JUST let it rain on my parade! BUT unlike most everyone else in there with me.. I took with me the experience , of watching these great people at work, I got to be a part of it. Yes the final product was not what I hoped for but the in between was something I will never forget and never ever regret being a part of.
10 days later and I can honestly say I’ve recovered... I’ve got no real time to be dramatic and wallow in my disappointment. WE MOVED IN!!! I have the circles under my eyes to prove it. Everything is in the house...in boxes ALL over the house ...but its IN!!! My daughter has her own room.. Eddie and I have our own room and Benji has .... well she has more room to roam around in.. I’m happy!!! Laying in bed last night after a looooong weekend I enjoyed the fact that I had my daughter in the very next room, Benji snoring by my bed., and an awesome man by my side... I admit I felt a little scared and over whelmed lying there, first couple minutes I felt out of breath and a little queasy...I took a deep breath and reminded myself "You’re not the person you were before. You know you deserve this happiness / love and just the chance to move ahead.. to be a part of something great..so SNAP out of it!!! Stop letting your past experiences paralyze you" ... I reached over grabbed his hand (yeah yeah I know ) and let Benji's snoring lullaby me to sleep...

As far as everything else goes... eh I’m taking it one day at a time. I'm looking forward to watching "Ask the Dust starring Colin Farrell and Selma Hayek... come on I have to give him a chance to redeem himself.

One more thing... if Colin Farrell’s rib was detached from his sternum, brought on by crazy hours at the gym, causing an addiction to pain killers..of what end result was a cold, un-emotional performance on Miami Vice ... This can only mean one thing... all that eye contact... the pictures... it never happened... for all I know he had fallen asleep with his eyes open or something... and as for the picture !!!! I refuse to believe it meant nothing .. Come on bodily fluid against bodily fluid... No amount of Pain killers can erase that??? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it

June 5, 2006~ Insert whatever title works for you

SO I guess in the past what... 4 years I haven't learned JACK about measuring the severity or intensity or seriousness of an argument or disagreement... It's like I don't have that medium... what may seem to normal people as a tiny disagreement or just needing a break or time to deal with anger or whatever ..To me feels like the end is near...I feel the ping of.. I don't know .. what is that..???? that sharp and tingly feeling in your chest... is it fear? is it anger? I DON'T KNOW how to deal with a simple disagreement? In my head it’s either with me or against me....together or apart .. and where I thought I had changed or let loose any doubt.. it all seeps back in at first hint of .. what exactly???.... Why can’t I just see things in a normal, calm .. rational manner??? why do I freak out and automatically want to shut down... build that wall back up and step back into robot mode??? Does everyone feel this way.. ??? I mean besides the women in my family who have obvious issues with trust and relationship and deciphering when a situation calls for leaving and when it calls for being patient.. When all your examples while growing up were .. to run... no matter the cost.. .. how can I expect to know the difference. The shitty part is when you think you’re above all that.. above the mistakes your parents taught you... the shit you've done.. no matter what you say or do..it’s there hiding ..waiting to bring you down and make you feel like.... they were right.... grab your running shoes, flip the numbing switch and forget it ever happened.... It’s supposed to be the other way around isn't it..whatever.. just a confusing MONDAY morning hiccup in my head...in a couple minutes my rational side will take over and this will all seam stupid and less important... it’s incredible the damage parents can cause without even having a clue!!! Even more fucked up is thinking you’re never going to be that way and next thing you know ... BAM!!!! you've turned into your irrational , confused mother who thinks the world is against her....

FUCKEN PMS induced MONDAY morning FREAK out....grrrrrrr

June 03, 2006 ~"The bad thing about real life...There isin't any danger music"

Holy shit!!!! It's pouring rain,, I’m on 836 and can hardly see anything. I slow down as I get to 826 south toward my sister’s house.. she had just dropped my mom's car back at her place and I was giving her a ride back home... ok so I’m really here because I have a party to go to later and I need to steel some clothes and do laundry...
So... we are on the 874 now almost at our exit and the rain has finally let up a little. It's known by anyone who's been in a car while I’m driving that I’m a little... fast and aggressive... so my sister had been sitting in the passenger seat with her head to the side, eyes closed....she had just opened them cause I yelled at her for making that noise she always makes when I’m at the wheel.. " IEEE oh my god...Maritza"
All of a sudden this white van cuts me off (nothing new in Miami) the streets are soaked he slides over to the left lane, forcing the car to my left to slam on its breaks.... the van then loses control and swerves back across the front of me to the right lane... then back to the left, where he crosses the median, lands on 874 North bound onto oncoming traffic, spins out of control, to the point where at one point the van is up on one side then back down.....He sits there for what seemed like forever facing oncoming traffic... Cars are coming toward him now and he starts to drive toward the median ... he clips a cars bumper, continues to drive back onto south bound 874 where I was and caused 4 cars to swerve off the road... I look in my rearview mirror..see the van behind me for a second then watch it move over to the right lane heading toward the exit As he passes me I get behind him.. Maria is calling her husband who is a cop and starts yelling something into the phone ( a future in dispatching? not looking very promising... she was out of control) At this point I am not hearing anything..not Maria on the phone, not the rain hitting my windshield not even my tires screeching while I ride the vans tail around the curve off the exit onto 107 street. I decide right there I’m not getting off his ass until we get him pulled over....so as we come off the highway I ride close, boxing him in with another car to my left a side walk to my right...he stops at the light, I pull in close until my front bumper is practically touching his rear .. Maria is trying to read off the paper license plate but the wet and tinted window made it impossible.....the truck on my right had pulled in closer and it became apparent to me at that point that he was on the 874 as well.. he had witnessed the whole thing. I jumped out of my car, Maria yelling for me to stay put.. I walked up to the van's rear window and wiped the rain off... at that point a couple other cars had stopped.. I see a women walking toward me with pen and paper in hand and I ask her to hand it to me so I can write the numbers down...she turned into...a raving lunatic... she starts yelling in Spanish to the man in the van .."SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!you almost killed me and my daughter ...you’re a son of a bitch!!! " .. I’m trying to get the fricken pen out of her hands.. but fuck she scared even me... she yelled "NO because he has to pay.." I said
"um ok lady listen calm down.... My sister is on the phone with her husband who's a cop and... " **POOF** she was gone.. I look around the back side of the car and the idiot driver had gotten out of the car..I followed behind her " lady you need to calm down seriously you’re going to get hurt.." I tried reasoning with her..but then I saw the man’s emotionless, I don't give a fuck face and I let her go.. she took off her heel and totally whacked him in the mouth with it.. by that time the 3 guys that had witnessed the whole thing grabbed the guy twisted his arm and had him on the ground.. turns out the one with his knee to the guys neck was a cop... he had the fuckers arms pinned to his back, I grabbed my cell phone charger and offered it to the guy as hand cuffs.. he declined.... (good thing because now I see it was my sister's charger) The cops got there surprisingly quick and them pulled everyone off the guy..turns out he was drunk out of his mind, totally un aware of why we were all over his ass.. they got him in the back of the police car, then asked the other witness and me to explain what happened... Now.. if you know me, you know that I just go off... I start rambling on with a story and don't shut up until I’m done.. and most of the time I end up confusing everyone including myself... and so after I explained it a second time the cop asked me to draw a picture of what happened..... I'm thinking he's still confused.... I don't know why.. I couldn't have explained it any simpler .. I mean I even drew the car spinning out of control.. I looked up at the guy witness and asked if I was explaining it correctly and he said... " yeah, yeah it’s just that it’s incredible that he didn't hurt anyone" ... um.. yeah I had just managed to confuse even the guy who saw it with his own eyes....(nice work Inspector gadget!) Later on we found out that the guy in the van had stopped because the car waiting at the light had run out of gas.. ( a hummer... go figure) they were waiting for On-Star to show up... she had been at the wrong place at the right time for us..if it wasn't for her he would have gotten away.....he was heading toward a very busy street and god knows what would have happened... I gave the highway patrol my information and gave Elizabeth (the lady in the hummer) a ride to the gas station, where we filled up a two gallon tank and bonded over corporal punishment and the fact that my brother in law was getting on her nerves... She noticed he had been giving me a long speech on how I am not supposed to-do things like this.. that I should "leave it to the cops" I argued "of course I could do it I just did... he was going to hurt someone and there were no cops around"blah blah blah he brought up my daughter and what if the guy would have shot me.. etc..which makes sense but fuck I did something in the heat of the moment.. I was thinking of the people he was heading toward when he got off that exit... I did the right thing at the moment....and I didn't even have my cape on!!... I felt 6 feet tall and he was trying to bring us all down for making a citizen’s arrest? wtf??? so here I am sat afternoon rains all gone.. I need to get ready for a party and not a minute to soon... I NEED A DRINK...

May 31, 2006~A Trip into the Twilight ZoNe

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A Trip into the Twilight ZoNe

Current mood: accomplished
There is a fifth dimension beyond thatwhich is known to man. It is a dimension as vast asspace and as timeless as infinity. It is the middleground between light and shadow, between science andsuperstiition, and it lies between the pit of man'sfears and the summit of his knowledge. This is thedimension of imagination. It is an area we callThe Twilight Zone."My trip to Tallahassee was ...... um ...good? It wasnt bad I cant say I regret going.. Watching my nephew walk up and receive his diploma was wonderful...He has turned out to be such a great kid. I have to remind myself he is 18 years old, I have to stop talking to him like hes still that little boy I used to fling up into the air until he threw up. I am so proud of him, hes been through so much in his 18 years and is so aware of what life is really like. He has his whole life ahead of him and I know he will go far
The drive to Tallahassee was LOOOOOONG. Not as painful as I thought it would be with my mother in the car.( I didnt have to slip her a single Valium) I did de virginize Eddies Drivers license.. we were stopped and ticketed for speeding and it was all ME (constantly teasing him about how slow he drives was a bad bad thing)... once we got into Tallahassee, He and I took my nephew to the store to buy his graduation outfit where, of corse, I Bumped into an old Brothers night club addict.. I should have known as soon as the name ADAM reached my ears that he would soon know I was in town. I thought for sure there was an expiration date on stalking... some kind of statute of limitation? Apparently not because three hours into my visit to Tallahassee he called My best Tally friend telling her he knew I was in town and wanted my number..tisk tisk Maritza you know better than to trust a gay man who was once in lust with your old psycho boyfriend..cause damn Those two got the word out FAST! (Bell, Biv, Divo.. never trust a big butt and a smile playing in my head)
Then blah blah blah a lot of in between crap leading back to my sisters, where my mother and father were doing the whole being mean while smiling thing. You know what im talking about.. When two people are cutting each other down but pretending its all in fun kinda like that letter I wrote to dumb and dumber in my last blogg.

Anyway.. Lets bring this long ADHD letter to an END. ..Before the weekend was over, the little girl in me, who always wished her parents would reunite, DIED a horrible death when my mom slurred the words If I have another beer I might remarry your father yes my mom had 5 too many but only after she liquored up my poor BF who obviously needed to be sedated himself......I left him alone with my father and when I returned he grabbed my hand and said I LOVE YOU like he had just gone through a life or death experience. And come on who could blame him? I left him alone with my father who proved too be just as stubborn and unrealistic as ever, all that and sex deprivation? Its enough to drive anyone mad!!! I felt the hard tinge of jealousy as I sat there sober and un affected my the beers I drank.....ok chugged.. But like I said before it wasnt so bad ... I dont miss Tallahassee one bit ...its a friggin black hole. All thats left there for me besides a couple great friend and 4 family members are drunken memories..and one asshole stalker.
But now my HiPpO can say he MADE it through the TACORONTE experience and came out ALIVE!!! still breathing ... Maybe not as sane as he went in but HE MADE IT!!!!

And so I say CONGRATULATIONS to Vinny for graduating high school and To you my brave brave man ...you graduated to the next level of our relationship... it can only get freakier from here...so thanks for taking the trip with me, practicing abstinence, while sleeping in a 2 bedroom house with 10 people...... all I have left to say is lets get it on....

P.s. anyone that knows me ..knows I talk a lot of crap no matter what I say about my family I love them and I wouldnt straight jacket a single one...



Currently listening : Lets Get It onBy DloRelease date: By 18 February, 2003

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